beat 274 - la vie en lashes

"I am 91 years old. As you get older you become very honest with yourself. There is no reason not to. I now see I either had passionate affairs that I would get over quickly or I had comfortable relationships with men that weren't jealous and allowed me to do what I wanted. That was lovely but after a while I'd grow bored out of that. And I would go back to the passionate relationship. Now, I am so happy with my comfortable relationship because the older I got the more I realized that the passion was just a push. Like a shot in the arm. Where the other thing is warm like a soft wave, not like a wild wave. But when you are young you think you are missing something when you don't have that passion.  When I think of my past loves and where it went wrong, and there were several. I wasn't in love. Not with my real heart. But it was the way they treated me that made me care. My pride, my ego they were wanting the love or not understanding why my lover wasn't treating me right. when I look at the love letters and the things and I say to myself I was so lucky to overcome some of the things I faced with my lover. 

Liking someone is worth more than the passion.

I was married once. I was very young. He was a pilot and in the war his parachute did not open up. That is how he died. After that did I want to get married? Sure. You connect with so many people, to have one person that you want to spend your life with is a different story. I wanted that with him but when I lost him it wasn't as easy to find.  So I had lots of relationships. And you know, our feelings take over too much sometimes. And if we spend more time before we commit ourselves to getting into a relationship and get to know the person a little better we would have a much better time because if that relationship is broken, at least we would have a friendship left. When you share so much of yourself with someone else, so if there is at least a friendship before, it will greatly depend on how you break up and why but still, it's important to have understanding of who each other are. 

But I want you to know something, I think the world lacks discipline. People break up quickly. Children are spoiled. We need to teach no no's to the world. We all need discipline. My heart is wide open, my doctor told me I have a gapping hole in it. And it is very true. My heart is open to all. Now I feel so rich inside. I feel like I have so much to give because I am comfortable. I can give to everyone, I can give to you and other strangers. I have more people around me now than ever before. I feel that I have so much to give to all around me. This world is my kingdom. This city streets are mine. The trees, the people, it is all mine. I take care of it all because then the world is good to me. It's little things."

- Ilona Royce Smithkin, NYC

artist, girl about town