beat 291 - tugged

I met the love of my life when I was 12. On the B train. In my private school pleated skirt uniform. It took a while for things to fall in place but they did and it was perfect. I'm sure you are one of the few people who can understand they joy I felt when I got to tell people that I've been with my love since I was 12 and we exchanged numbers at the 86th stop on the B train. I'm a born and raised New Yorker - so this was my cinderella story. We moved in together. Had joint accounts, bought plants and a dog. We each others initials tattooed on our ring fingers - kind of like a public reservation to the world that this finger was taken by a very special person. We planned our lives as a unit. I was going to be that girl who married her junior high sweetheart. Fuck a highschool sweetheart, I met him before I even got to high school. It was beautiful and I couldnt be happier.

Then it all got dark. He was dealing with personal demons that I didn't even know existed in him. And as a result, his actions brought out demons in me I didn't know existed. Things I would never imagine him capable of became a regular occurrence. I became angry, desperate, hysterical - all the things I swore to my mother I would never be. I had to leave this monster, because he was not the man I loved for 9 years but someone foreign instead. And I didn't want him, I wanted the man I knew back and wouldn't settle for less. I knew my love was in there somewhere. Under all the mess and lies - he was STILL THERE. But I never found my love again and as much as it killed me, I had to leave the monster.

For a long time, I never thought I would be okay. I spent 10 years with this person. Almost half of my life. But after some time, some tears and some haagen daaz, I realized I'll be okay. Not because I'll get my love back. But because I still have my half of that love in me. I still want to love and be loved. I want to know someones favorite candy so I can hide it in their jacket pockets before they leave for work. I still want to cook extravagant meals to make one singular person smile. I want to have funny stupid inside jokes that only one other person understands. I still want love. Despite the hurt and the pain - I still want LOVE.

So my heart, despite the band aids and the scotch tape - is still open and waiting. Because someone out there deserves the love I can give them.

- Mia Johnson, NYC